Cherry Torn

02/09/07 - QUANDARY

My god, if I start writing one more blog entry that I can't bring to completion I will die. I would like to be funny and clever, but apparently whatever synapses control the funny and clever centers of my brain are on hiatus. This is a somewhat common occurance, generally brought on by me deciding I want to write something about something serious (instead of the lighthearted information that you are normally served). Perhaps I should really take this as a sign not to think too hard.

Cherry Torn.

I haven't been doing as many webcam shows as normal this past week because I've been occupied with chores, admin and contemplating about the future. Mr. Torn and I are following the "speculate to accumulate" school of thought, which now requires that we spend $1500 on building a new computer (made almost entirely of win) to make editing the footage from our new camera a less painful experience. After much shopping I think we have finally picked out the bits and pieces (including a second only slightly unnecessary monitor), all that's left is actually typing in the pesky little credit card number and awaiting the bounty and eventual credit card bills. Luckily my inbox overfloweth with (two) modeling jobs.

This is all in the interest of the future you see. Mo and I will one day have the reality based BDSM site that we have been planning for the last three years. No really. It has slowly (very slowly) come creeping into being (sort of). There are so many questions to be answered! Do we develop cherrytorn.com from my humble model portfolio/blog to full on membership based kinkfest? Or do we do something with our other super secret domain?

Then there's the design, which must be new regardless of what we choose. We've been mulling that over this week and I've been investigating various content management systems with much frustration and forehead/eye rubbing. What features do we want and how the fuck do we implement them? What cool things can we do with it? Video blogging, punishment logging, embedded streaming webcams, spycams... There are lots of options and a lot of them are tempting. The video blog idea I am particularly keen on. I suck ass at talking on camera and that will surely help me get past that. Plus, Mo and I can do joint entries which can only be hilarious.

But for real folks, I have much inner turmoil. Our original premise for the site was a candid look into a real life D/s couple. The good, the bad, and the (hopefully not too) ugly. The hitch is the level of D/s in our relationship ebbs and flows. Some weeks we're pretty intense, and others not. Deciding to do this site commits me to a certain level of submission. It's part of the job description.

As some of you may already know, I've had an interesting evolution through all of this stuff... I was an early starter but still spent much of my teenage years dying for anything kinky, without any access to it. Then I flew to England in order to get it, from a guy I knew online. That relationship, perhaps predictably, ended in a very shitty manner... After that I very luckily fell into my current partnership. A man that gave me all the kink I could possibly want. We were super into controlling everything about me, molding me into exactly what he wanted me to be, which included unique looking, intelligent, outgoing, with a fondness for dancing and socializing - very far from the shy, shrinking violet I was when we found each other (of course I was also meant to be the perfect whore and domestic goddess, and those things came a lot more naturally). The problem is it worked too good. I'm so much more confident and happy and independent now I don't feel such a need to be molded anymore. Being degraded was never so difficult when I didn't have the level of self esteem I do now, and all that remained was for it to be hot. Now that I like me a lot more, it's a lot trickier to process.

Factor in doing high production bondage porn where I get to do really fantastic things in unbelievable places PLUS having sex all day for work and it's easy to see why we're a lot more chilled about being hardcore in our spare time nowadays. There's always those certain D/s elements, the ones that will never go away, but... For the most part our focus is on other things.

So I've had to ask myself what our D/s future is going to be, to try and decided what direction the new site will take...

This has been somewhat inspired watching the Madison Young and James Mogul Training of O preview vid on Behind Kink. Apparently she has done TTOO, and she's his girlfriend of two years. I had no idea, not that I've met either of them (I've only seen her from a distance), but still it's a small world in San Francisco Kinkyland, so I can't believe I didn't know. Anyway they talk about taking their relationship to a more formal D/s level which is of course eerily relevant to my own situation.

Now that we have a nice roomy apartment, and we're acquiring all this useful hardware, really the only thing stopping us is us. Or I suppose more accurately... Me.

For once though, I'm optimistic. Lately I've been really getting off on how we play during webcam shows. Something along the lines of:

-Whack!-

"Ohh that was a big one..."

-he kisses it-

-Whack!-

...

It's so mean yet nice but ouchie. We did a super hot caning show the other day that left me covered in stripes all over... The ones on my back were very sexy. We should have taken a picture but we suck. Sorry about that.

The key to this I think is developing my submission from my "shut up and take it" mindset I have naturally to a more open, communicative and sexy style that has a more active role in our play. I feel on the brink of a major evolutionary step...

OKAY that's enough of that. I demand you go and watch Brad Neely videos, because it will cure that heart wrenching sympathy I know you're feeling for me now. I can't however promise it will cure your confusion. I recommend this one, that one, that one part two and definitely this one. Report back once your comedy quota is filled and I will regale you with funny anecdotes.

Mo has reminded me I forgot to mention in my last blog entry what happened a couple of weeks ago after we woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep...

We decided to stay awake as long as we could, so we wouldn't get on a retarded sleep schedule. There were many Redbulls and a lot of shopping but not very much eating. I bought some very nice new shoes:

Cherry Torn putting on her panties in new shoes.

Cherry Torn putting on her panties in new shoes.

We were thoroughly exhausted by 4pm so we went to a bar to ease our pains. It worked so miraculously that we stayed for about 4 drinks. About 5 steps away from that bar we realized we were the drunkest we had ever been. Literally. Whether it was the lack of sleep, the empty stomachs, the sleeplessness... No idea.

We stumbled to a nearby park and passed out for about four hours. Yeah, we passed out surrounded by puddles of our own piss and vomit, in a public park. Occasionally we'd wake up for a minute, just to check if we could stand or somehow manage to get ourselves home. It was the most shameful thing I've ever, ever done. We eventually managed to get a taxi and then fall into bed. We woke up to discover we somehow weren't robbed of our valuables, although the bottle of lube we bought is mysteriously missing.

Did we drop it? Would anyone use a bottle of lube they found laying around in the Upper Height?

Some questions don't need answering as much as others, I guess.

Seeing as the theme of today's entry is candidness, here I am chair dancing in Mr. Torn's t-shirt:

Cherry Torn Chair Dancing.

9 Comments

Chris said:

I hope your website comes out just the way you want it too. And sorry to hear about your shameful night/the loss of your lube.

03/09/07 - 10:02AM

Arin said:

Your best blog yet! A super secret domain huh? I love the sound of that!!!! That'd enable you to do things not so legal in this hypocrite country/society, oh and it'll also make us fans of you know what ever so happy lol. **hints*

03/09/07 - 12:43PM

Arin said:

Btw, chair dancing rules.

03/09/07 - 12:43PM

Cherry Torn said:

Chris: Thanks! I'm most sad about the lube. It still hasn't turned up. We're hoping we've just misplaced it in the flat somewhere.

Arin: The URL would only be secret until the site goes live.

03/09/07 - 12:51PM

Rich said:

As a fellow 24/7 person I understand that whole ebb and flow thing. And I can't even imagine how much adding your work and adding a business side to it must further affect it. Whatever you end up doing best of luck and keep us all informed(Though I'm sure you will)

03/09/07 - 03:00PM

Andreas said:

I'm a loser 24/7. Not as hard and I would guess not as fun...

Loooove the top picture on the blog! I'd like a poster like that on my wall. :)

03/09/07 - 06:59PM

professor rat said:

Dear Cher
Before you evolve out-of-sight of us mere mortals would you please do us a favor?
Some scenes with Ralf or Simon over in Bratwurst land?
( subway innovative etc)
Love yr work. PR

09/09/07 - 10:51PM

Kyra said:

You got some mad chair dancing skills, girl... lol :)

12/09/07 - 04:08AM

Rick said:

i really hope you guys make this website
imagine the dirty kinky potential

29/09/07 - 02:16AM